Stop Calling Yourself a Leader Until You Actually Lead Someone

The bloke sitting across from me in the coffee shop yesterday was going on about his "leadership philosophy" to his mate. Twenty minutes of corporate buzzwords later, I wanted to lean over and ask him one simple question: "How many people have you actually led to success?" The silence would've been deafening.

Here's the thing about leading a group of people that nobody wants to admit: it's not about you. It's not about your vision board, your motivational quotes, or that expensive leadership course you attended in the Gold Coast last year. It's about getting a bunch of individuals to work together towards something bigger than themselves, and most people calling themselves leaders couldn't organise a root in a brothel.

The Uncomfortable Truth About Real Leadership

Real leadership starts with one controversial principle that'll make half the LinkedIn coaches in Australia want to unfriend me: you need to be comfortable being disliked by some people, some of the time.

I learnt this the hard way running a team of twelve consultants back in 2018. Nice guy syndrome nearly killed our results.

The moment you start trying to be everyone's mate, you stop being their leader. You become their enabler. And enablers don't build high-performing teams – they build comfortable mediocrity with a side of resentment when things inevitably go sideways.

Look at someone like Alan Joyce during his time at Qantas. Say what you want about his decisions, but the man made tough calls and stood by them. That's leadership, even when it's unpopular. Even when it costs you personally.

The Three Things Nobody Teaches About Group Leadership

First: Your job isn't to be liked. Your job is to be respected.

I see so many managers trying to be the "cool boss" who lets everything slide. They think team building means pizza Fridays and casual dress codes. Wrong. Team building means creating an environment where people can succeed, even when that means having difficult conversations about performance.

Second: You need to learn when to shut up and when to speak up.

Most people in leadership positions talk too much. They think leadership means having an opinion on everything and sharing it constantly. But here's what I've discovered after fifteen years in this game: sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is listen, process, and then ask one really good question that makes everyone think differently.

Third: Your people don't need you to have all the answers – they need you to help them find their own.

This one took me ages to figure out. I used to think leadership meant being the smartest person in the room. What a load of rubbish. The smartest thing you can do is hire people smarter than you and then get out of their way. Your job becomes creating the conditions for their success, not micromanaging their every move.

The Communication Trap That Kills Most Leaders

Here's where 73% of new leaders completely stuff it up (and yes, I made that statistic up, but it feels about right based on what I've seen): they think communication is about talking clearly.

It's not.

Communication is about understanding what each person in your group needs to hear, when they need to hear it, and how they best receive information. Sarah from accounting processes information differently to Dave from sales. Revolutionary concept, I know.

I once worked with a brilliant engineer who became a team leader and nearly drove his entire department mental because he communicated like an engineer to everyone. Detailed technical explanations for simple concepts. The marketing people wanted bullet points, the sales team wanted stories, and the admin staff just wanted to know what they needed to do by when.

The solution wasn't communication training – it was communication adaptation. Learning to speak different languages to different people while maintaining the same core message.

Why Most Leadership Advice Is Absolute Garbage

Let me tell you something that'll probably upset a few people: most leadership books are written by people who've never actually led anyone through a proper crisis.

They're full of theory and feel-good nonsense about "servant leadership" and "authentic communication." But when your biggest client just cancelled their contract and you've got eight people looking at you waiting for answers, all that fluffy stuff goes out the window pretty quickly.

What matters in that moment is whether you can keep your head while everyone else is losing theirs. Whether you can make decisions with incomplete information. Whether you can be honest about the situation without creating panic.

I remember one particular Thursday afternoon – we'd just lost a major project due to a competitor undercutting us by 40%. The team was devastated. Half of them were already updating their LinkedIn profiles, I could feel it.

So I did something that goes against every piece of leadership advice I'd ever been given: I admitted I was scared too. Then I said we had two choices – we could feel sorry for ourselves, or we could figure out how to win the next one.

That honesty, that moment of vulnerability followed by decisive action, turned everything around. We ended up having our best quarter ever.

The Delegation Delusion

Everyone talks about delegation like it's some magical leadership skill. "Just delegate more!" they say. What they don't tell you is that delegation without proper systems and follow-up is just organised abandonment.

Here's what actually works: delegate the task, but own the outcome. Give people the authority to make decisions within clearly defined boundaries. Then check in regularly without being a helicopter parent about it.

The key is finding that sweet spot between being available for support and being a constant presence that undermines their confidence. It's like teaching your teenager to drive – you need to let them make small mistakes while making sure they don't crash the car.

Building Trust When You're Not Naturally Trustworthy

Look, not everyone is born with natural charisma. Some of us have faces that people instinctively want to argue with. I should know – I'm one of them.

But trust isn't about being likeable. It's about being predictable in your values and consistent in your actions. It's about doing what you say you're going to do, when you said you'd do it.

When companies like Bunnings succeeded so dramatically, it wasn't because they had the most charismatic leaders. It was because they created systems and cultures where people knew what to expect. Consistency builds trust faster than charisma ever will.

I learnt this lesson the hard way when I tried to be someone I wasn't. Spent six months trying to be the inspiring, motivational type of leader because that's what I thought people wanted. It was exhausting and completely inauthentic.

Once I started leading from my strengths – being direct, analytical, and solution-focused – everything changed. People knew where they stood with me. They might not have always liked my delivery, but they trusted my intentions.

The Performance Conversation Nobody Wants to Have

Here's another controversial opinion: if someone on your team isn't performing, and you're not addressing it directly, you're failing everyone else who is performing.

The high performers notice. They always notice. And they start to wonder why they're working so hard when others are getting away with less. That's how you lose your best people.

But here's the thing about performance management that most leaders get wrong: it's not about being the bad guy. It's about caring enough about someone's success to have the difficult conversation that everyone else is avoiding.

Sometimes that conversation leads to improvement. Sometimes it leads to someone finding a role that's a better fit elsewhere. Both outcomes are better than the status quo of managed mediocrity.

Why Your Leadership Style Needs to Be Situational

The idea that you need one consistent leadership style is another myth that needs to die. Different situations require different approaches. Leading a crisis is different from leading innovation. Managing a new team member is different from managing a veteran.

I've seen leaders try to apply the same collaborative, consensus-building approach to every situation. It works great for strategic planning sessions. It's disastrous in emergencies.

Sometimes you need to be directive. Sometimes you need to be supportive. Sometimes you need to step back and let the team figure it out themselves. The art is knowing which approach to use when.

The Reality Check Most Leaders Need

Here's something I wish someone had told me twenty years ago: leadership isn't a destination, it's a practice. You don't graduate to being a good leader and then coast.

Every new team, every new challenge, every new business environment requires you to adapt and learn. The moment you think you've got it all figured out is the moment you stop growing.

The best leaders I know are constantly questioning their own assumptions, seeking feedback, and adjusting their approach. They're comfortable with being wrong because they know that's how you get better.

And here's the final truth that nobody wants to admit: most people shouldn't be leaders. Not because they're not capable, but because they don't want to do the hard work that real leadership requires.

They want the title, the respect, and the increased salary. But they don't want the late-night phone calls when things go wrong. They don't want the difficult conversations about performance. They don't want the responsibility of other people's careers and livelihoods.

If that's you, there's no shame in it. Being an exceptional individual contributor is just as valuable as being a leader. Maybe more so.

But if you genuinely want to lead people – if you're willing to put their success ahead of your own comfort – then stop reading about leadership and start practising it. Start small, make mistakes, learn from them, and keep going.

Because the world needs more real leaders and fewer people with leadership titles who don't know what they're doing.